Moving On

I don’t know how many of you have heard that song “I’m gonna wash that man right outta my hair” from the musical South Pacific. You might recognize it more as a theme song for a Clairol commercial in the ‘70’s. It doesn’t really matter either way, but that is the song that popped into my head the other morning when I was showering and it seemed appropriate.


My friends know that I’ve been dealing with a break-up and thinking there was a possibility of reconciliation. Well, I FINALLY got the clear answer that I wanted two months ago…..actually it’s information I should have been told about 4-5 months ago. His feelings for me changed. Fair enough, it happens. However, he didn’t have the balls to tell me that! He gave other (lame) reasons for ending the relationship and made it seem like it was something that could be worked out. Then when I offered my support for him to work out his issues, he cruelly let me go on thinking that he was seriously considering reconciliation for the past month. It’s only now that I find out he’s known this wasn’t going to happen - he's known for at least 4-5 months that his feelings had changed and there was no possibility of working things out.

So understandably, I am PISSED! I am not psychic and I can’t read minds….although sometimes I do envy Sookie’s ability on True Blood to do just that!! But I can’t and unless he had told me this earlier, there is no way I would have known! You don’t break up with someone and say you love them as you walk out the door. Talk about a mind fuck! Thank you very much for that! (Bitter - party of one!!)

So that’s about 4-5 months of my life I won’t get back. Not to mention the emotional stress and suffering. Luckily I have a fabulously wonderful group of friends that really helped me out! I LOVE all of them. I shared my dilemma with them and they all came through with advice, perspective, open ears, open hearts, and appropriate responses such as “I can’t believe he said that, what a jackass!” and “Let’s go grab a beer and flirt with the bartender…we’ll go have fun!”

Thankfully, I was able to vent my anger to him directly – no email there. I was able to tell him point blank that what he put me through was cruel and unfair. He handled the whole thing badly and I wish he had said something MUCH sooner so that I could have moved on sooner instead of wasting my time and energy on someone who didn't love me! I will probably look back at some point and appreciate the good times we had but that's not going to be today...probably not tomorrow either.

This is a venting post but also a turning point…I am moving on. His chapter has been closed and I am heading into a new one! I am looking forward to more fun times with my friends (like going back to the shooting range) and more flirting (Capri Blu here we come!)!

I am looking forward to finding someone who loves me and appreciates all of my gifts and my flaws (got plenty of them)! I deserve happiness and love and I look forward to having both with some fun and adventure mixed in!!

Hope

I have been neglecting my blog. Partly due to a lack of time but partly because I felt like I didn't have anything to write. Well, actually I had plenty to write but nothing that was good. Life has been rather stressful for the past few months and this last month or so has been a little more stressful. I didn't want to write a depressing post but I figure it IS a part of life, so here goes. 

The first issue is my parents situation. They sold their house almost two years ago now because they couldn't afford to live there anymore. That was like a death in the family - it was the house I had lived in since I was 6 months old. Very sad to lose it. They had a fifth wheel that they used to travel around in for about six months until my Mom decided that she really needed to be in a house again. Some place where she could garden again and they could have some stability. Well, they have not had any luck in their house hunt. They found a house last October that they bid on and went through the whole process only to have the bank reject their loan at the last minute. They had been renting an apartment for several months which they had to get out of by New Year's Eve and they found out about the bank rejecting their loan a day before that, so they had to move into the house of a former neighbor. The problem is this house is for sale, so they are now renting this house while continuing to look for another house they want to buy. It's been very frustrating and stressful for them. It's stressful for me as well because I wish I could help them in some way. I hate seeing my parents in this situation - they should be enjoying retirement now and not having to deal with this extra stress.

Another issue has to do with someone very dear to me whom I love very much. He is having problems moving forward in his life because of events in his past. I want very much to help him and I've given him information that would allow him to get help he can use. I am just afraid that he will not accept any help. I am afraid that he is stuck. He needs to realize that he is a wonderful person who deserves to be happy and deserves to be loved. Unfortunately I don't think that me telling him that will make him understand or make him believe it. I know that I can give him my love and support. I am here for him but I fear he won't reach out for the love and support I have offered.

The last issue isn't emotional but it is stressful. It's also my own doing. I am back in school (as you may know from a previous post) and of course that adds to the stress of everyday life. This semester I am taking chemistry and a lab that goes with it. So far it doesn't seem too bad but I've only had one week of school so far. It just adds to the stress I already have from work and other personal stresses.

I am not sure what I am being tested for but I definitely feel like I am being tested. I am a strong person though and I will persevere. I don't know how to not get through the downs in life. It's not in me to just lie down and give up...I'm a fighter and I don't see that changing anytime soon. Maybe some of it has to do with my middle name. Growing up I've always disliked my middle name (who doesn't dislike their middle name at some point?) but now I wonder if my Mom chose it to instill the meaning of my name into my life. Or maybe it was a reflection of that time period in her life and she chose the name so that it would bolster her own spirit. Either way, I feel like it has carried me through some tough times and will continue to do so for the rest of my life. Thank you Mom!

Hope - 1. desire accompanied by expectation of fulfillment. 2. one that gives promise for the future.

I continue to have hope. I hope for happiness. I hope for easier times for my parents. I hope for easier times for myself and my friends. I hope for my love to be returned. I HOPE!!

The Kid in Me

I realize it has been a long time since I've posted...sorry about that! It's been a crazy few months with school and work and very little free time. I don't get to play as much anymore! This time of year can bring out the kid in people, especially me, so I thought I'd share a bit of the kid I used to be...

My aunt Carol was recently cleaning out her storage area and found a bunch of papers she had forgotten about. She found this drawing I had done when I was about 7 or 8 (you can see why I do photography now) - she had to have surgery, so she was in the hospital for a little bit. My Mom had gone to San Diego to help her out while she was recovering and apparently I felt the need to draw the hospital room with me visiting her. You'll have to forgive the copy....the paper was crumpled quite a bit. I don't know if you can tell or not but the far left side of the drawing shows a nurse sitting at a computer. How did I know there was a nurse and a computer in the hospital??

This second copy is a letter that I wrote to my aunt Carol while I was at camp (I was about 9 or 10). I don't think my handwriting has a changed much over the years except it's a bit smaller now! My signature has definitely changed....you can barely make out the individual letters anymore. I must have just learned cursive writing in the school year before I went to camp. Obviously good handwriting wasn't enforced in my school!

This last item is a photo of me (animated as usual) hiking with my aunt Carol in the east county of San Diego. I have absolutely no idea what I was doing but I was very theatrical when I was younger and had no trouble with speaking my mind. I loved entertaining.....whether there was an audience or just myself. Doesn't quite fit with the introverted person I am today, does it?? Ha!!

Fifth Place

Just a quickie post - I know it's been a long time since my last post. I've been a bit busy with school and work lately.....Physics is still kicking my ass!! Just when I think I am getting it, I find out the problem I was working on is wrong. DOH! But this post isn't about school....or about work.

Last month (meaning in August) I entered into a photography contest for Cabrillo National Monument. They were looking for a photo of the monument to put on their new annual pass. I honestly forgot about it, figuring that I wasn't going to hear from them and someone else would win. Well, someone else did win....the Grand Prize. Well, and the first four prizes really. BUT I won the fifth prize! Woohoo! My award is an annual membership to the monument, which is great actually. It's a very picturesque place and the tide pools are awesome. In fact, I am planning to go with my friend Christine this weekend! Here's the winning photo: